I was "churched" as a child and it was there I learned the standard mantra and lingo of the Christian faith. I was given the classic "You're A Sinner Bound for Hell" sermon and, after accepting that fact, I said the infamous "Sinner's Prayer" thereby gaining what many believe to be the hereafter version of a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. The only fly in the ointment was I really didn't know the God I professed to believe in, nor was I living the way I learned He expected me to after becoming a member of His flock.
In fact, despite my best efforts to live righteously, I was like the proverbial dog returning to his own vomit; falling back into the same sins over and over again. After a time I became increasingly concerned God would no longer believe that I was truly remorseful due to my inability to steadfastly resist and overcome. Consequently, I devised a ten year olds version of penance... I would repeat "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over for "X" amount of times. ("X" being a multiple of the number of times I said I was sorry the last time I sinned.) Well as you can imagine it didn't take long before keeping track of the number of times I said "I'm Sorry" became a statistical nightmare. Consequently, for sake of sanity I soon decided to table my faith until God found time and/or inclination to divinely intervene and fix me. If that time didn't come, I reasoned, I could always conduct a final act of "I'm Sorry" penance on my death bed. (Provided of course that providence saw to it that I wasn't hit by a truck or didn't in some other way die without opportunity to repent.)
A few decades later I was driving long distance with Christian friend. Since we had several hundred miles of open road between us and our destination faith and God inevitably came up in conversation. Fearful my apostasy might somehow be sensed by a true believer, I started nervously bringing up various doctrinal issues to debate and reasoned for or against them using verses I had learned as a child in Daily Vacation Bible School. (Having a crush on the Pastor's daughter helped facilitate my memorization.)
My friend sat serene and silent for the most part, neither questioning my doctrine nor probing my faith. This only served to agitate me, and soon cracks began to materialize in my thin Christian veneer. The silence from my friend seemed to echo the silence I felt from God in the face of all those petitions for strength to overcome my sin. Suddenly years of pent up guilt and shame blossomed into resentment and anger. I started posing rhetorical questions to try to spark a confrontation. It started with, "Did you ever wonder why God didn't just create people perfect?" then went to "I know this might sound a bit blasphemous but if I were God I'd do things differently..." and finally "Did you ever wonder why we make such a big deal about Jesus's death on the cross? I mean was it really so terrible for Him? He was God incarnate after all and He knew He would come out on the other side of the event restored to His full position and glory so what matter was a little short term suffering to Him?"
What happened next was not a rebuke from my friend, but a full-on encounter with God... the commencement of my "faith hike".
Bible Passage: James 1:8
Next Up: Crossing The Rubicon
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